Book Review: Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child

I wish I could remember how I heard about this book but I know why I would have gravitated towards reading it.

We 'may' have a strong-willed child in this house.  I got some helpful tips in supporting that will in a positive, unemotional way from reading this book.

CONSISTENCY

I guess I already knew this from experience, but the book reconfirmed my belief that strong-willed children like to test boundaries to see if they can break them.  It's important to be consistent and not break because they need to know who's in charge.  I think life is stressful for children who have no boundaries.  They crave limits, even though they might not say so themselves.  And the limits can be things like 'school work must be done before TV, computer'.  The consistency here comes in that the rules can't change from one day to the next.

LESS NO, MORE DO THIS

I want to tell 'said child' what to do more than telling her what not to do.  Does that make sense?  So instead of criticizing her and 'yelling' at her, I am going to tell her the appropriate behavior or action.  I will feel better with myself for not getting mad.  I want it to be about the behavior choice not the child themselves too.

ACTIONS VERSUS WORDS

Instead of asking over and over again for something to be done, I am going to expect that it occur on the first request.  I will make this happen by putting action behind the request.  For example, if the request is to turn down the TV, I will say "Please turn down the TV or it will be turned off".  The consistency and follow through becomes very important then because if 'said child' does not, I must be around to turn it off immediately.  

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

I will try to use natural consequences for choices as much as possible.  Instead of asking multiple times for 'said child' to join us for dinner, she may well find that dinner has been removed by the time she decides to come to the table.  Or if she doesn't get ready in time for our morning departure, she may have to participate in one of her activities in her pj's, with messy hair and foul breath. 

REFUSAL TO NEGOTIATE

I will not negotiate with the child after I ask her to do something.  There will be no "Just a minute" or "How about?".  If she does not do as I ask, there will be consequences (see above). 


LESS EMOTION, CHILD IS MAKING CHOICE 

I won't feel badly if the child misses out on something fun because I put down boundaries and SHE chose not to do as she was told.  It is her choice, not mine,  and I won't feel responsible for her happiness or lack thereof. 

FOLLOW THROUGH

The most important point and the one I see lacking in so many friends homes I visit - you must follow through on what you tell your child.  If there is one thing I would recommend to parents, it's that they follow through on discipline.  If you can't or won't follow through on it, don't threaten in the first place.  The child is learning that they don't have to do what you ask when you don't take away something or send them to their rooms.  I think we do a fairly good job here with follow through but I want to make sure I am doing a near perfect job with this category.


My biggest struggle with these great ideas is how to bring them to people who are interacting with
'said child' - teachers, coaches, friends' parents.  'Said child' has been known to test the waters with other adults and will manipulate them, if they allow it.  Once the adult puts their foot down and says they won't tolerate it, 'said child' stops.  The relationship has then been established as the adult being in charge and 'said child' will not test the waters any longer.

Schooling Through Experience

I wanted to touch on the learning that took place on our trip to Hawaii.  B-real told me the world's largest active volcano was on The Big Island and he thought we should see it.  I did too, until I realized how much of our vacation was going to be eaten up in the drive to and from the other side of the island!  He did convince me that it might be the only opportunity the girls had to see the volcano and so we went and I think we're all glad we did.  Kilauea was pretty fascinating. 

It was interesting to see the climate changes between the opposing sides of the island.  The mountain range in the middle affects the weather and B-real did a great job explaining that concept to the girls as we drove.    Boy was it a change -- rain, clouds, more humidity and cooler temps on the leeward side of the island.

We also gave Big C the cellphone so she could tell us our elevation as we drove up into the mountains and back down on the wet side.





Surprisingly the girls wanted to watch the video explaining the history of the volcano.  They must be their daddy's daughters because it would not have been my first pick.  It was informative though and we all found it enlightening (the kids scary) to learn the Big Island is ever-so-slowly heading back into the ocean.  This happens as other islands in the Hawaii chain are evolving.

The two photos above are the volcano from afar. We were standing at The Volcano House hotel.  It is smoking but not erupting.   An actual eruption has not occurred since 1983.

This is Big C smelling the steam vents.  She remarked it had to be sulfur because it smelled like rotten eggs.   I found them to be a bit eery, seeing as they are holes that go WAY down into the Earth's crust.  You can see the steam in the photo of our family below. 

Then it was onto the Sulfur Banks.  I love that look on little c's face.  She knows how accident prone her older sister is and looks worried. 

We sat and listened to a park ranger give a talk at the look out point.  I was so proud of the girls because they actually wanted to listen and were even confident enough to raise their hands at the end (in a sea of adults) and ask their individual questions.  Afterwards they met a kind park ranger who told the girls the history of Pele, the volcanic Goddess. This spoke to the girls a lot because they are particularly interested in the Green and Roman Gods. 

I am glad B-real put his foot down and said it was important to him that we visit the volcano.  I love a strong man with opinions!

On the way home we drove the northern part of the island and stopped in Waimea for dinner, where the un-schooling continued through dinner.  Little c was reading a book that uses roman numerals for chapters and so she wanted us to teach her about them.  I think she'll remember them because it was her question that got the discussion going versus a school saying she was in a particular grade and needed to know the topic.   Claire is reading her book while we wait for dinner.

The learning continued when we got home from our trip as I read to the girls about the different layers of the Earth.  On their own accord, they each pulled out a white board while I read and drew their own interpretations of the Earth's various layers.  Pretty cool stuff!

Unexpected Guests and a Dinner that Made me Proud

Sometimes things just work out in my favor, like last night when friends called to see if they could stop by, and it happened to be around dinner time.  Miracously, I was making something for dinner which required real cooking and something I would be proud to serve guests. 

It was one of those nights that I will remember because I just pulled it off completely (and it wasn't frozen pizza) and it was beautiful.  We didn't have much soup because there were 8 of us eating a recipe that was made for 4.   I warmed up some bread and pulled out our leftover beverages from New Year's Eve and it was was perfect.

The adults sat in the living room on the floor while the kids ate at the table.  I love when people stop over and I am able to provide them with a lovingly made meal and we are able to literally break bread together.  I love that we have friends who don't care if we eat on the floor in the living room.  I want to do that more often.

Tonight Big C has a friend over and I made them pancakes in the shapes of the letters of their first names.  It was fun to see their excitement over such a simple thing.   I liked sitting down with her friend and getting to know her a little better.  And I REALLY liked that Big C has the sort of friend who cleared her plate and came over to help me clear the other dishes.  And she's 10!   I asked my girls if they were witnessing their friend's kindness and suggested that they might remember such an act if they were ever guests of a friend.  Hint, hint...

Here's the recipe for the soup!

  

3 bacon strips, diced

1 small onion, chopped

1 clove garlic, minced

3 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon dried basil

1/2 teaspoon pepper

3 cups chicken broth
2 large baked potatoes, peeled and cubed
1 cup half-and-half cream
1/2 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
Shredded Cheddar cheese
Minced fresh parsley

In a large saucepan, cook bacon until crisp. Drain, reserving 1 tablespoon drippings. Set bacon aside. Saute onion and garlic in the drippings until tender. Stir in flour, salt, basil and pepper; mix well. Gradually add broth. Bring to boil; boil and stir for 2 minutes. Add the potatoes, cream and hot pepper sauce; heat through but do not boil. Garnish with bacon, cheese and parsley.

Enjoy!!  

My favorite Christmas Photo

Santa brought little c a karaoke machine for Christmas.  Santa guessed this might be something she would like based on her desire to grow up and be a professional caroler (This December she did ask if working at a gas station would be a good career choice for her.  I explained I thought it could be a little dangerous working all night at the gas station and hoped she would find other work that inspired her.)  Someone else in our house 'may' have liked the karaoke machine more than little c though (see above).  B-real and I both spent a good chunk of Christmas morning belting out tunes.  Our best was our duet of The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston.  The girls are both horribly embarrassed.  Big C is worried about it somehow making it on youtube and her life being ruined.  She is a tween now and these are her life's pressing concerns.

Photos from the Cinderella Play

Claire was sick with a stomach bug so she stayed home.  Fortunately, B-real was in town this week so he was able to take care of her while the rest of us went to the play.  

The weather was really awful that day.  Bad roads, long commute to the Children's Theater Company but so worth it!!  

This cute little girl decided she needed a root beer float plus a malt with her grilled cheese sandwich and fruit! And who was going to tell her no...she was out with both of her grandmas and her great grandma!

November Highlights

Hanging with one of our favorite families! 

Celebrating my mom's birthday! 

Comparing airline points while hanging out with the Schroeder family! 

Getting our little kid fix with Miles!  

Thrifting with my home girls - Missy and Erica!  

Shopping with little c before Christmas.  

Flowers

For those of you who read our Christmas letter...

As Britney Spears would say, "Ooops, he did it again!"  In the middle of December I received a call from a florist letting me know they had a delivery for me but did not want to leave it outside the house due to the cold weather.  I began, as I usually do when flowers arrive unexpectedly for me, wondering what day I have forgotten in the love story of B-real and myself.   Knowing it was the middle of December, trying to recall the actual date, I figured it might have been the anniversary or our engagement.   I was right, it was December 16th, and 14 years ago that day we were engaged!

I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was cold and B-real cajoled me into a walk across the Washington Avenue Bridge.  Fortunately due to the UN-balmy temps there were very few people on the bridge that evening which made for a more comfortable place for him to profess his love for me and for me to profess my love in return.  Although cold, it was a beautiful evening, clear and peaceful.  I recall turning to look behind me and seeing the location of where we had met -- the U of M campus.  When I turned back around I saw the glow of the downtown skyline and it felt like we were looking towards our future -both having careers downtown and wanting to leave on the west side of Minneapolis.

B-real has learned over the years that a bouquet speaks to my heart more than a vase filled with long stemmed red roses.  I appreciate the art of the arrangement and how a variety of flowers can mix together to form something even more amazing than the individual.  History may have shown that his wife is also known to chop off those long stemmed red roses so the vase can be placed on the kitchen table and those at the table can actually see one another.  B-real has told me you pay extra for those lengthy stems and not to cut them off!  The arrangement he sent was breathtaking to me.

I feel fortunate B-real asked me to marry him fourteen years ago.  And even more fortunate, our love story only seems to get better!