Book Review: Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child

I wish I could remember how I heard about this book but I know why I would have gravitated towards reading it.

We 'may' have a strong-willed child in this house.  I got some helpful tips in supporting that will in a positive, unemotional way from reading this book.

CONSISTENCY

I guess I already knew this from experience, but the book reconfirmed my belief that strong-willed children like to test boundaries to see if they can break them.  It's important to be consistent and not break because they need to know who's in charge.  I think life is stressful for children who have no boundaries.  They crave limits, even though they might not say so themselves.  And the limits can be things like 'school work must be done before TV, computer'.  The consistency here comes in that the rules can't change from one day to the next.

LESS NO, MORE DO THIS

I want to tell 'said child' what to do more than telling her what not to do.  Does that make sense?  So instead of criticizing her and 'yelling' at her, I am going to tell her the appropriate behavior or action.  I will feel better with myself for not getting mad.  I want it to be about the behavior choice not the child themselves too.

ACTIONS VERSUS WORDS

Instead of asking over and over again for something to be done, I am going to expect that it occur on the first request.  I will make this happen by putting action behind the request.  For example, if the request is to turn down the TV, I will say "Please turn down the TV or it will be turned off".  The consistency and follow through becomes very important then because if 'said child' does not, I must be around to turn it off immediately.  

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

I will try to use natural consequences for choices as much as possible.  Instead of asking multiple times for 'said child' to join us for dinner, she may well find that dinner has been removed by the time she decides to come to the table.  Or if she doesn't get ready in time for our morning departure, she may have to participate in one of her activities in her pj's, with messy hair and foul breath. 

REFUSAL TO NEGOTIATE

I will not negotiate with the child after I ask her to do something.  There will be no "Just a minute" or "How about?".  If she does not do as I ask, there will be consequences (see above). 


LESS EMOTION, CHILD IS MAKING CHOICE 

I won't feel badly if the child misses out on something fun because I put down boundaries and SHE chose not to do as she was told.  It is her choice, not mine,  and I won't feel responsible for her happiness or lack thereof. 

FOLLOW THROUGH

The most important point and the one I see lacking in so many friends homes I visit - you must follow through on what you tell your child.  If there is one thing I would recommend to parents, it's that they follow through on discipline.  If you can't or won't follow through on it, don't threaten in the first place.  The child is learning that they don't have to do what you ask when you don't take away something or send them to their rooms.  I think we do a fairly good job here with follow through but I want to make sure I am doing a near perfect job with this category.


My biggest struggle with these great ideas is how to bring them to people who are interacting with
'said child' - teachers, coaches, friends' parents.  'Said child' has been known to test the waters with other adults and will manipulate them, if they allow it.  Once the adult puts their foot down and says they won't tolerate it, 'said child' stops.  The relationship has then been established as the adult being in charge and 'said child' will not test the waters any longer.