Have you heard of him?
He's an old school parenting expert.
Reminds me of someone my parents would have subscribed too while raising me.
He believes we should actually enjoy the job of parenting. Imagine that?
We over think our responsibility and fail to use our common sense.
John compares kids today to kids in the 1960s (when he was raised).
- Children are five to ten times more likely to become clinically depressed by the age of 16 now versus the 1960s.
- In the 1960s parents paid more attention to one another than their children (marriage was the focus of the family rather than the children). Kids were supposed to pay attention to their parents; not the other way around.
- Children were allowed to express their opinions but it did not mean much to the family. John says, "And no, we were definitely not allowed to express our feelings freely. Have you ever met someone who expresses his or her feelings freely, without regard for the sensibilities of others? That defines an obnoxious, narcissistic, sociopathic boor." Amen.
He feels too many parents want to be their kids friends rather than provide leadership. They care too much about whether their children 'like' them and don't want to deal with the results of an unpopular decision. The example he gives is a group of high school kids getting together for senior skip day and parents allowing them to drink and party. The parents said "you have to trust them sometime".
John thinks it's o.k. to say "because I said so" to your children.
My thoughts:
My children are very important to me but my marriage will be forever. Eventually the kids will have their own families and their priority will be their marriage, children and jobs. It will come back to B-real and me! He's my constant and forever! I have to remind myself when I pour so much time and energy into the kids. Some nights I feel so depleted that I have very little left to give my husband. And that's not right. I need to take some time for me during the day so I have something to give to my other half at night.
Contrary to what appears to be popular belief, I don't want to be my girls friends at this age. There will come a time, when they are older, that we will be friends. Right now I feel like I am their leader and leaders must provide discipline and direction. The funny thing is discipline doesn't have to mean or tough. It can be done in a loving, kind manner but without room for negotiation. I find I have to discipline my children very little because we are constantly discussing right and wrong choices. They know where I stand because we spend a lot of time together.
I hear too many parents giving lengthy explanations to their young children as to why they arrived at a particular decision. It's almost like they are justifying it to themselves. Parents decisions should not be up for negotiation. We are on such different levels than our children. Adults have years of experience on their kids and should set rules and boundaries. Kids aren't able to do that yet for themselves. I recall a pediatrician friend telling me the worst parenting mistake I could make was to allow my children to negotiate with me. For example, if I were to tell the kids bedtime is at 8:30 and they were to say they didn't want to go to bed at 8:30. They wanted to stay up until 9:00 because all of their friends stayed up later. And I allowed them to go back and forth with me until we arrived at some sort of 'compromise' on bedtime. As if they were my equals rather than my children. Kids are learning that what I say isn't the rule. If I say we aren't buying candy in the check out line at Target they might recall the time I gave in on the bedtime rule and decide it's up for negotiation too. Don't get me wrong, I think negotiation is a good skill for a child to learn and I will look for opportunities to develop that skill. For example, I might say to the girls "We need a plan for when you will be able to do Mine Craft this week. Can you come up with an idea and present it to me?" There would be some negotiation back and forth on that topic. But it would be my idea that we negotiate, not theirs.
It's important to remember that we are in charge. We have the right to enjoy being a mom or dad. And you can make that happen. If your children are testing you beyond your wits end, you need to put down some boundaries. There is nothing wrong with sending your kids to their room for some quiet time. Not as a punishment but as a break for everyone. It's perfectly fine to send your kids outside for a while too.
For kids who cannot entertain themselves, I say they need more practice. More time alone in their rooms to find something to do independently. Parents, don't complain, take action and do something. You are the parents. What do you want for your children? Do you want them to be the type of kids who need constant interaction from another individual? No, you want a child who can learn to entertain him or herself. We all need to be o.k. being alone. So make that happen in your home.
We need to take charge of our families again.
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